Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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