So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just high enough for therapy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
