My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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