i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
