Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
