I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize