The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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