Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
