well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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