My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
