3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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