it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
