I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
