Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
