this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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