I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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