Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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