His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
