how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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