I bet he comes in French.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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