i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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