i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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