i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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