it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
