After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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