JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize