I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize