last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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