another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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