Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
