the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize