I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
