And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
