gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
