Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just invented taco cereal.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
