don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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