Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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