I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
