i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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