your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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