Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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