i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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