How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
