Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
