So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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