He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
