see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
