It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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