It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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