I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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