i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
