No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
